Pain continum

Lebih dari 100 hari. 

I thought i have moved on. 

For god sake, i m trying so hard... and still here i am, cryin for something i cudnt have back.

After finishing all the med and therapy, i decided to make my own daily twist.

The pain remains, continues... 

Our final conversation hurted me more than the lies, he had no intention to love me back.

Not at all, i have to asked 2 times...and had received the same answer...he wanted nothing from me   ...

That moment i realized, all the intrigued feelings and emotions were one sided.

I wasnt fantasying our relation, it was just me and my nature, to love unconditionally, until i feel tiny and worthless. I have nothing for myself. Left empty, and wondering how did i arrive here.

I still got this self blaming words rushing in my head, 

For breaking my own wall,

Being vurnerable  and naif that i can change things...for falling  ...

So... i have to change myself again, i cant remember how many times, i keep walking, i run sometimes, so affraid my memory catch me  , like now. I just cant escape...it is a horrible feelings  sometimes i wish i cud just...dissapear. 

Move my direction, walk alone again, small steps forward ... very small, but i can feel myself moving.

Oh God. Please help me.

Reminder of a mental statement.

02.05.2021

Cehaientea